Since beginning this work in 1982, I have noticed a cultural pattern that disturbs me greatly, and one that I think is having a profoundly negative impact at the conscious and unconscious level. I have noticed that it’s much more acceptable to have a problem or many problems, or to be depressed than it is to be excited, joyful, delighted, and glowing with beauty and health.

There are so many signs, subtle and blatant, that signify this preference. People who are needy, see themselves as taken advantage of by someone more powerful than they, or victimized get lots of attention, sympathy, and supportive conversation. People who are enthusiastic and self-reliant, who can take care of themselves, get very little. As a matter of fact, very often someone who is excited and filled with joy is blatantly judged as being phony or trying “to pull the wool over our eyes.” Suspicion, doubt, and the fear of “being taken for a ride” often follow someone who feels good and looks happy!

What happened to joy? Why this apprehension or taking down a notch of happy people? I could give you a couple hundred historical reasons, but so what. All that would create is an understanding of why we are messed up in our priorities. And we are! We live in the midst of a world that is both good and bad, perfect and imperfect, and everything in between. We live in a country that is one of the richest in the world with freedom of choice, and yet we seem to be in a constant grieving process for what we don’t have!

In my travels to Nepal, Bhutan, and Thailand over the years, I have seen some of the deepest economic poverty imaginable. In 1989, when I first traveled from the airport in Kathmandu to our hotel, I was in tears seeing children with distended stomachs, flies circling their eyes, and filth in the street. My heart was breaking. It took me two days to see that those same children were smiling and laughing, holding each other’s hands, and taking care of each other. They were strong and healthy in body, and with so little they were rich in spirit and love.

Joy is the feeling of great pleasure and delight, elation! Enthusiasm means to be filled with God, inspired. Both are signs of the light and life energy within each one of us. You may have noticed, the more you focus on what you don’t want, the more you create it and all the feelings that go with it—anger, resentment, frustration…poverty. Our world will always be filled with paradox and things we do not understand or agree with, even things we hate. Does that mean that we cannot be joyful? No.

Our most important question is not, “Why do I deny my joy?” It is, “How do I deny my joy?” How do I miss the things in my life that are filled with joy? By not looking for them! Dr. Martin Seligman said, “Careful research shows that people with pessimistic habits of thinking can transform mere setbacks into disasters.” We spend so much time looking for what’s missing, what’s wrong, that we forget to be grateful for what is present! We are surrounded by beauty in every moment, nature, the human spirit, and many times all we see is the stain on the carpet at our feet.

We have good reason to choose joy. It’s healthy, it feels good, and it’s contagious! Laugh and your immune system is strengthened. Dance and your body is washed with endorphins. Play and you feel like a child, resourceful, creative, and spunky. There is research data that now suggests that happy people, in general, live longer, more meaningful lives.

The first step to joy is appreciation, seeing value in the smallest things and even the most difficult things. The second step is gratitude, being thankful for the experiences life offers us. The third step is the decision to use everything in life as a tool for learning and expanding consciousness. Each step is a powerful shift in perspective from scarcity to abundance.

When we open to the positive, more and more keeps rolling in! What happened to joy? Nothing. Maybe it’s time to remember it, to look with new eyes at all there is to be grateful for and to allow joy to fill your being.

Reflections:

1. What happens for you when you listen to someone tell their story of being mis- treated or taken advantage of at work, at home, and in relationships?

2. Have you ever thought you were being judged for expressing your joy and playfulness? What did you do in response?

3. How do you deny yourself joy? What thoughts, feelings, and behaviors?

4. How are you going to use steps 1–3 to bring more joy into your life?

With love and gratitude,
Kris King

April 1993

Over the past year, I have been dealing with a number of major life situations, like realizing that my business partner and I wanted different and conflicting things and collaborating on ending our business relationship in a way that we both felt respected and loved; deciding if it is time to go into new markets; having my teenage son drop out of school; being financially stretched and stressed; taking on full responsibility for fulfilling my own dreams; and to top it all off, realizing that I’m almost a third of the way through life! I say a third because I want to live to be at least 157 (the year 2100—I want to see what it’s like), and on May 9, I will turn 50. (Yes, please, I know I’m loved when I receive birthday cards!)

During all this time, I thought I was taking good care of myself, doing what I needed to do to stay not only sane but healthy too. Well, one of my favorite quotes is, “An unexamined life is not worth living” (Socrates), and as I started to examine this past year, I had a major insight that I would like to share with you.

Yes, every single one of the life situations that I’ve worked with this year has been resolved in a way that aligns with my deepest values, and I am proud of the results I have created with the help of all those involved. However, one of the side effects is that I’ve gained ten pounds!

As I look back, I realize that I used food to soften the edges of my fear and stress, to feel peaceful for a while. I used food to comfort and reward myself for all my hard work, telling myself that I deserved the extra indulgence. I used food to deny feeling out of control, not knowing how things would turn out. I had been taking care of myself by eating to stay calm and grounded. I didn’t plan it or think about it, I just did it unconsciously and now I realize it has been a pattern all my life.

So was I really taking good care of my “self ”? As I stayed with the question, not judging or thrashing myself, just open to information, this is what I learned.

My unconscious found a way to slow me down while my conscious mind was deeply focused on survival during change and going a million miles an hour. There were times when what and how I was eating came into my consciousness, I noticed it, and because my other demands were so strong, I dismissed the awareness. Besides eating unconsciously, I stopped taking the time to walk each day. Other things seemed more important.

As I look back, I wonder what would have happened if instead of taking care of my “self” unconsciously, I had done it consciously. And what I see is, I would have taken good care of myself. If I had made my health and well-being as high a priority as the other things that were happening, I would have eaten more consciously and found other ways to slow down and ground myself. I would have taken the time to go walking each morning to move my body and clear the cobwebs out of my brain. The only judgment I have of myself in all of this, is wondering when I’m going to remember that my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being are as important as finishing a task on time, and that one need not suffer because of the other. If my intention is to create healthy balance in my life, I will.

Now that I’ve had my time to reflect and realize, I can move from unconscious ways to care for myself to healthy, conscious ways to take good care of myself. What a miracle awareness is!

Asking ourselves the right questions and listening to our answers without judgment is taking good care of ourselves too.

So when will I remember that my well-being is actually more important than the task at hand? Definitely now.
How about you?

Reflections:

1. Looking back over past events, in times of stress, what have you done to take care of yourself that has had negative consequences?

2. When you realized what you were doing to yourself, how did you feel? And what did you do?

3. What are some new behaviors you can do consciously that will take good care of yourself?

With love and gratitude,
Kris King

Have you ever had such a great experience that you were just bursting to share it with someone, overflowing with excitement and enthusiasm, wanting everyone you know to have the same experience? Perhaps an exceptional meal in a little-known restaurant, a trip to a foreign country, watching a must-see film, a breathtaking adventure in nature, reading a new author’s work, a spiritual insight that leaves you tingling, discovering a political candidate you can finally believe in—so many possibilities.

What do you want to do in those moments? Perhaps silently savor your experience to its fullest, gleaning every morsel of meaning and nuance, or maybe jump up and down with sheer delight wanting to shout out your joy, “Amazing!” What a wide range we all have to express our deepest feelings. At some point in time, I think we want to share the impact of those moments with the people we care most about.

Throughout my life, whenever I discovered something that I thought was exceptional, or had an experience that opened doors in my heart and mind, I would pass on the information to whomever I thought would benefit from it. It seemed only natural to do this. I thought that if everyone was doing this, being a free economy and a free society, soon the level of excellence and meaning all around the world would go up, because people would be supporting goods, services, and experiences of the highest quality.

My enthusiasm for quality was my guide. My desire to have everyone experiencing the best life has to offer was my motivation.

I didn’t know until 1982, when I did the Personal Effectiveness Seminar, that what I was doing was called advocacy. I just did it because I wanted to. Advocacy means to speak or write in favor of something publicly or to support something you value.

It has been easy for me to advocate when it has been about goods and services, because I knew people would probably like what I advocated for; I am a good judge of quality. Where it got tough was when I thought the other person would not agree with me. I would talk about what was “safe,” where I would not experience any resistance. I realized in some areas of my life, I was a “sunshine advocate.” I’d advocate only for the things I knew people would agree with me on.

This insight was deeply disturbing and uncomfortable. The people I most admire are the ones who have had the courage to advocate for things that are deeply important to them even when others do not agree. People who stood and said basically, “There’s an elephant in the living room!” I was playing it safe to be accepted, afraid to rock the boat and stand up for things that I thought were exceptional. This affected every part of my life, the way I parented, participated at work, even the smallest things like which movies I would talk about! My self-judgment was, “gutless!” And I didn’t like it one bit.

So I started exploring how I could stand up for what I believe in no matter what the circumstances. Even if my heart is pounding out of my chest, my mouth dry as the desert, and sweat is running down my sides, I want to express my message in a way that others can hear and understand. Not only my truth, but also my passion, my humanity, and my vision of what’s possible.

I started in a small way at home with my husband and my children and was amazed at how much
easier it was than I anticipated. After building my self trust through practice at home, I started advocating honestly and authentically with my friends. I was encouraged by how the quality of my relationships grew and deepened.

Over time I discovered three important things. When I am:
1. being authentic and honest about what I am advocating for,
2. sharing information clearly and enthusiastically,
3. respectful of the person I am talking with, which means my intention is to create the
highest good,

IT WORKS!
What do you care about passionately that you are ready to pass on?

Reflections:

1. Looking back over time, what are things that you have cared about deeply and not told anyone about?

2. What were your reasons for keeping them private?

3. What do you think about people who respectfully reveal what they care about and think is important? How do you feel in their presence?

4. What do you care enough about to risk advocating, passing it on?

With love and gratitude,
Kris King