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September 1987

Today is the first day of September, not very fall-like at all—the temperature is soaring. School starts next week, notebooks and glue are in short supply, and the awareness of changing seasons surrounds us. This is a time of reflection for me…memories of all the other times that school started since I became a mother twenty-two years ago. There is something very poignant about this year for me. It has been a little over a year since my son, Matthew, died, and it has been just a week since I saw my son, Mark, off for his first year of college at Duke University. Somewhere inside of me these two occurrences have collided, overlapping snapshots blurring my vision.

Thinking I was mostly healed after Matt’s death, this collision and the new feelings I have stunned me. “How long does it take to heal?” I ask myself over and over. I know Mark is starting on a great adventure and setting a course for his own life, and that delights me. Yet lurking somewhere is this fear, this “no name” fear. I am even afraid to say it. Will saying it make it true? “Will I lose Mark too?”

I find myself staring out windows, gazing into the distance, not really knowing what I am looking for. If I look far enough, what will I see? Perhaps the ending of an intricate and loving pattern of personalities and moments, of good times and bad. Maybe there is something new on the horizon that I want to identify. Whatever it is, it is not clear yet. So I keep on gazing, listening to all the sounds of my being. My heart says, “The healing isn’t done yet. Give yourself some more time. Patience.”

I know I am in the process of designing a new way of being that fits. Do you ever try to hold on to the illusion that everything is just the same as it was, long after it has changed? This year I have learned that the longer I hold on to the illusion, the longer the healing takes, like reopening a wound over and over. If I try to keep Matthew alive all day in my thoughts, somehow he always dies at night and I go through all the pain again. If I try to keep Mark safe forever, he’ll never realize his dreams.

One night as I lay looking at the stars and constellations brilliant overhead, I asked them for help. “Let me love Matthew as deeply as ever and let him go so I can heal.” In the morning, I awoke realizing I only see the stars in the darkness. The stars are there always, moving through time with us, surrounding us with their beauty and light and mystery. It takes the darkness to see their light. This majestic transformation I witness daily lets me know I am surrounded by love even when I don’t see it. Matt is like the stars.

And I realize now, it is not Matt that I want to release. He is a part of my life forever. It is my pain I choose to release.

How long does it take to heal? Perhaps it is time to let go of the question. Thank you for moving through time with me. Even when I don’t see you, I know you are there. Just like the stars.

Reflections
1. Who have you loved and lost, to death or the end of a relationship?

2. How did this ending affect you?

3. How long did it take you to heal? Have you?

4. Who are your best role models for telling the truth? What is it you most admire about them?

I encourage you to share your responses to the reflection questions in the comments section.

With love and gratitude,
Kris King

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August 1987

Come with me on a journey, a journey to a very special place, a place where the words spoken are words of truth, where the actions are demonstrations of the truth, that everything you see and feel and hear is all the truth, and all the truth is given with love. Give yourself a moment to truly imagine such a place. Sitting here at my typewriter and thinking about such a place touches me deeply; so much so that the front of my shirt is wet with tears and my heart is full. Is that the idealist in me speaking? Is there a yearning in each of us that wants to know we are living with the truth, and the truth is based in love?

For a major portion of my life, I thought that I was the most honest person in the world and, naturally, prided myself on it, because I never told a lie. It was a rude awakening for me when I learned in the Personal Effectiveness Seminar that all those things I thought and never said—because someone might not like it, or they might not like me, or I wouldn’t get my own way—were really lies.

I was truly stunned, and I knew it was true. I had withheld my own truth because I didn’t think I could stand what would happen. I feared other’s judgments, anger, and abandonment. I had learned how to be “nice.”

What did I do with my revelation? All those responses from others were still possible, right? On the other hand, I knew how invisible the real me felt when I withheld the truth. Time to choose. Step by step, interaction by interaction, I tried the truth out, keeping two simple thoughts as my guides:

1. The truth given without love is simply judgment.
2. The truth not listened to is self-denial.

Have you ever wondered how to build your self-respect? Well, as I progressed in my journey with the truth, I noticed that I was valuing myself more and more. I was even listening to what I had to say!

What’s so scary about the truth? That someone may not like you, that someone might have a different point of view? What I now think is really scary is that I could live this life and not be known for who I really am, that my dreams and visions could go unrealized all because I was afraid of what could happen. That made my choice easy.

On my journey with the truth, I have learned another lesson. Listening to the truth of others with love is just as important as telling the truth with love. When I get defensive, it makes it unsafe for the other person to speak their truth. Does this mean all you hear is the truth? You are the only one who will know.

As I go through my days, reading the newspaper and noticing how we as individuals, employees, citizens, etc., respond in our daily lives, I am having a growing sense of urgency about how we value the truth. The place you saw when we went on our imagined journey is a possibility only if each of us creates it within ourselves.

It sounds so simple and it is; that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Reflections
1. What is it about telling the whole, microscopic truth that stops you from telling it? What could happen?

2. In which parts of your life is it easy to tell the whole truth? And what is the impact of telling the whole truth?

3. In which parts of your life is it most difficult to tell the whole truth? And what is the impact when you don’t?

4. Who are your best role models for telling the truth? What is it you most admire about them?

I encourage you to share your responses to the reflection questions in the comments section.

With love and gratitude,
Kris King

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With the wind in my face and the sun still at my back, I have returned from the desert. It was an experience that is not yet over. As a matter of fact, it is still beginning.

I gave myself a wilderness time-out as a celebration of my Personal Effectiveness Seminar graduation five years ago, the beginning of my journey into self-trust, self-awareness, and celebrating life.

This is what it was like for me, a tenderfoot in the wilderness, to go on such an adventure.

Preparations for a wilderness adventure begin with gathering your equipment together. What a trip that was! I borrowed everything from everyone I knew. I took things that belonged to each member of my family so I could feel their presence whenever I wanted to: a sleeping bag from my son Kyle, long underwear from my son Mark, a long-sleeved shirt from my husband, Kyle, a friend’s backpack, and on down the line. When I had it all spread out on the bedroom floor, it looked like it would never fit into the backpack, but it did! Visions of Mount Vesuvius lurked in my mind as I thought about opening it.

Off we go, meeting all the others who had chosen the same adventure, smiling, laughing. Not knowing what to expect, we climbed on board and took flight, descending into balmy Palm Springs several hours later. We were greeted by bougainvillea blossoms, hibiscus, and oleander scenting the evening air and splashing yards with exquisite color. My senses were totally enveloped by the lushness, my mind by curiosity. What are these days with myself all about? How will I be spending my time? Is there something specific I am looking for? What is it? Will I like the me I discover?

The next morning we drove leisurely into Joshua Tree National Monument (later renamed a national park). I emphasize our pace as leisurely because we all had started a process of slowing down, quieting ourselves. There was an unspoken agreement of introspection and wonder at the majesty of the desert unfolding before us. This agreement lasted and deepened during our time with the desert.

I keep asking myself if there are appropriate words to describe my experience. There are, and they will never be able to “fill” you as I was filled by the exhilaration of feeling, doing, touching, hearing, looking, laughing, crying, and being more peaceful than I can remember. Frequently, at home, I have the feeling that my attention is going in seventeen different directions. I gave myself freedom to be alone and to join, and when I did either, I did it completely. The sensation of wholeness in each moment permeated everything.

The desert is a subtle place perfectly balanced with the elements. Everything you see “fits.” Before going to the desert, I knew I could appreciate it, but I never thought I could come to love such a “harsh” place. I was mistaken. When I took my first walk alone, I was stunned by the life and the beauty that surrounded me. In April, the desert blooms. There were flowers everywhere, under my feet, under the rocks, hidden in nooks and crannies, splashes of intense indigo and throbbing red. Cacti so wrapped in spines they looked painful were flirting with everyone who came by, their scented blossoms whispering. Whispering speaks of the subtleties, of the wind and how “harsh” became majestic.

A pair of crows nested high in the rocks above our camp, and their movements taught me a profound lesson. I had never heard the sound of the air moving beneath a bird’s wings before, so many other sounds envelop me at home. In the desert, as I lay watching these blacker than black birds, I could hear the sounds of their wings moving through the air and I wondered, “What are the sounds of my own being that I do not hear?”

As I lay watching and wondering, ants walked by busy as ever, other crows joined my two crows and performed miraculous aerobatics. Moving my hand beneath my head, I realized that tiny yellow and white blossoms were a carpet beneath my head. My world was whispering to me, gently teaching me.

My wilderness experience is not over yet, as a matter of fact, it beckons me to remember “now.”

Reflections:
1. What are your clearest memories of being nourished by being in nature? Where were you? Who were you with?

2. How often do you give yourself alone time to reflect? If you don’t, what do you do instead?

3. How do you feel when you are alone? Do you like the company you keep?

4. If you could be anywhere in the whole wide natural world right now, where would you be? Why?

I encourage you to share your responses to the reflection questions in the comments section.

With love and gratitude,
Kris King

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Well, Hi! I’m Kris King and I’d like to welcome you to my blog. If you’ve come before, welcome back. If you’ve not been here before, welcome for the first time and I hope you come back many times.

The purpose of my blog is to connect with people in a profound way. Such a way that we’re touched, connected, and we’ve learned something together. I’m a walker, and this morning I was out walking and thinking about doing this blog today, and part of me was really nervous, and I was kind of thinking “what am I doing this for?” And I looked back at my past blog entries (which are really excellent, and I hope you look at them), but as I looked back at them, I realized that I was doing what I thought I should do instead of what I really wanted to do.

When I realized this out on my walk, I burst out laughing, because here I am, a teacher, who for the last 25 years has been teaching people to live what they know and trust and love; what they really want to do instead of what they have to do. So I kind of tickled myself this morning, and realized that what I wanted to talk with you about today is something really important to me, and is on my mind right now.

Sunday is my birthday. I turn 67 on May 9th, and I am profoundly grateful for that fact. Because, when I was 36, I had breast cancer, and my life was a mess and I didn’t know how to get out of it. So I took care of myself, I got well physically, and three years later I did the seminars that we offer, and they changed my life. I truly belief that I’m alive today and healthy and happy doing what I love to do because of what I’ve learned here at WINGS.

I’m grateful. So, today I want to talk about gratitude. Mother’s day is coming, too, we have lot’s of things colliding that are about gratitude, grace, thankfulness, maybe some forgiveness, too, around your mom (I know I had some of that to do when I was cleaning up my past). So I’m going to ask you to take a nice deep breath with me right now, so that you and I connect in breath. Do you know that the word conspire simply means ‘to breathe together’? So take a nice deep breath – and just take a moment to begin thinking about all the things in your life you’re grateful for. The things you have, not the things you don’t. The things that are right there present in your everyday life that you’re thankful for. And as you think about those, I’ll share some of mine with you.

Number one, I’m grateful that I’m talking with you right now. There’s an invisible web stretching out from my office right here in Eugene, Oregon to Japan and Germany and Russia, and I think that’s pretty amazing. So I’m thankful that I can connect with you, someone I might have never met, in a way that’s meaningful.

Another thing I’m grateful for is that when I was a kid, I felt safe in my world. I grew up in Miami, Florida when it was all tall pines and wide open spaces, and from the earliest remembering, I could go outside and be free. Free in the citrus orchards, free in the coral rock fences that people built. Free to do whatever I wanted to do in the physical world. I’m grateful for that. I remember sitting in a kumquat tree when I was about five, and eating so many kumquats I got sick. I could do what I wanted, and my mom trusted that I was safe in that world.

I’m grateful for the love of my family, my mom, my dad, my sister, my brother, and the moments that we shared growing up, and now. That I could sit with my mom when she was in her last moments of her life. I feel so grateful for that, to be present with her in that passing. I feel grateful for the love of my husband and my sons. I feel grateful that my son Matthew was in my life for 21 years; I’m sad that he’s not here now, and I’m grateful for the time that we had together.

I am so grateful to be present on this sunny day in Eugene, Oregon, where I can see the trees and the birds. The natural world has always been an inspiration to me.
I’m grateful to every participant that has come to WINGS Seminars and learned how to change their lives in a positive way, trusting what we do, trusting themselves, opening their mind to a bigger vision of who they are and what they’re capable of.
So take a moment again and breathe. Notice how you’re feeling right now as I talk to you, and the thoughts that are coming to your mind as you think about what you’re grateful for.

My list is long, and I know yours is, too. So, one of the things I’m really grateful for is my memory. Turning 67, I have so many people saying they’re having “senior moments.” I say, “Please don’t say that. Trust your memory.” So I’m thankful for that.

I’m really thankful that I’m a really good story teller. That when I have experiences in my life, that I can translate those to people in a way that they feel connected with their own stories, as well as with mine.

I think one of the things I’m really great at in my life and grateful for, is being present – right here, right now, in this moment, no matter what’s going on. And that didn’t used to be true. That didn’t used to true at all. I was reactive, defensive – I had no clue about my own power, my own presence, the impact I have on people. And I’m so thankful that in these years of learning and teaching and traveling the world, that I’ve learned to be present in the moment, appreciating the smallest things, appreciating the grandest things – whatever it is in the moment – without reservation, without judgement. To simply stop and be present. I am so grateful for that.

You may be a very busy person and you may take a lot of pride in that, and what I know is when I’m busy, for the most part I feel pretty disconnected from what’s around me. I feel important and like I’m getting a lot of stuff done, and yet… when I look back over a day that’s spent that way, I realize there was something missing, and that something was me. I wasn’t really there. I was on a mission to accomplish, which is good, but what I know is when I accomplish things and I’m present in the moment, then I enjoy it. Then I revel in it. Then I can laugh at myself and my outcome.

So how do we be grateful for everything in our life, instead of just the things that we think are the correct things to have in our life? How do we be grateful for a moment of pain, a moment of insecurity? How do we feel grateful in the moment when we hear bad news from the doctor? Well, that’s a great moment, again, to breathe and realize how precious our lives our, and that we have this moment to experience, and it’s the first time, perhaps the only time we’ll have that moment.

So gratitude is embracing the now – the now of life – and in that, realizing how precious our lives are, that we have a now. I used to think that I was one of those pieces in a big puzzle, and it didn’t really matter that I was here. But now I realize it really matters to me that I’m here, and that I be the woman that I know I want to be.

So my offering to you today is to breathe, be present, and look around for the things you’re grateful for. And when you come up against one that you go “err – not today. I am not grateful for that,” to stop, and breathe, and notice what you can be grateful for in that very thing that you just wanted to deny, to push away, because it’s a part of life just as much as you are.

Breathing together. Conspiring.

So I’ll leave you with this thought:
What if your real job is to live an extraordinary life?

This is Kris King – see you next time.

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Reflections:
1. Have you ever wanted to pull the covers over your head and not get up, hoping it would all just go away? What were the its?

2. If you could have one thing in your life be different than it is, what would you pick? Why?

3. Each of us honors life in our own way. Does your way reflect who you really are?

4. What do you do to express your appreciation for life?

I encourage you to share your responses to the reflection questions in the comments section.

With love and gratitude,
Kris King

Note: This is part one of a two part video- part two is here.

What difference would it make if we consciously lived our life as an adventure? If we embraced the exploration of life’s unknown territory with the same enthusiasm we experience when traveling to a new country or exploring a new culture?

In the comments section of part two, I encourage you to finish this sentence: “An adventure that I want to take and haven’t is…” After you have completed the sentence, write “I choose to do it.”

How do you feel when you read what you have written?

With love and gratitude,
Kris King

Note: This is part two of a two part video- part one is here

What difference would it make if we consciously lived our life as an adventure? If we embraced the exploration of life’s unknown territory with the same enthusiasm we experience when traveling to a new country or exploring a new culture?

In the comments section, I encourage you to finish this sentence: “An adventure that I want to take and haven’t is…” After you have completed the sentence, write “I choose to do it.”

How do you feel when you read what you have written?

With love and gratitude,
Kris King

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Reflections:
1. What were your experiences of holidays as a kid? What was wonderful about them and what was difficult?

2. What messages did you receive from family, friends, school and perhaps religion that are still true for you? Are there any messages that you resisted, wanting to create your own meaning of holidays?

3. How do you feel when you pay attention to your own answers to a question: What do I want? and act on them?

4. What is one thing you’ll do today to experience more joy? You deserve it!

I encourage you to share your responses to the reflection questions in the comments section.

With love and gratitude,
Kris King

And now for something completely different! In this blog post Sherrie Frank, the VP of Wings interviews Kris in a Q & A style. Sherrie asks Kris questions about her  life before Wings, what she’s learning right now and her thoughts about the future.

Keep the conversation going! Have you ever had a moment where you thought, “Gosh, I wish I could ask Kris how to handle this or how to do this differently.”? Over the next few months we’ll gather your questions and put together another Q & A post, this time answering your questions. Send an email with your interview questions to: kris@wings-seminars.com

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Download audio file (The%20Falling%20Kimono.mp3)

Furisode kimono (translates as "swinging sleeves"), the most formal kimono for unmarried women.

For each one of us, there’s a star to discover, and a being within ourselves to bring to life.

- Janeen Koconis

Reflections:
1. Remember a time when your intuition told you something significant was happening, where all of a sudden you felt a deep emotional connection and knew it was time to pay attention in a different way. Describe this event.

2. What was the impact of this event in your life?

3. Who do you love enough to go the extra mile for, to do your very best to care for them? What is the impact in that relationship?

I encourage you to share your responses to the reflection questions in the comments section. Some answers are difficult to say out loud to ourself, let alone the whole world. In order to help you take the first step, I’ve added a new feature to my blog, which will allow you to post as an anonymous guest if you prefer. If you are already logged in, you will need to log out first, and then click the box that says “Post Anonymously.”

With love and gratitude,
Kris King