Last Tuesday I had the opportunity to present a new Special Evening titled, Personal Power…Personal Peace to a group of 150 grads and their guests in Oregon City. It was really fun! Plus, we raised $647 for the True Colors Scholarship fund.

This video post is a recording of the evening. It includes 5 steps you can take to live life from the inside out… and much more.

This is a great video to send on to the people in your life who you have been talking with about the PES, or have thought about sharing your experience of the PES. It is filled with new content and solid information about what happens in the PES. It’s a great way to start a meaningful conversation.

I invite you to take a quiet moment with yourself… relax and see what’s here for you. We are always learning… and each new awareness assists us to be more of who we want to be.

With love and gratitude,
Kris

This is an excerpt from “Relationships that Empower You,” a Special Evening hosted at Wings Seminars on February 1st.

Today I want to remind you of your strength, resourcefulness, courage, the power of your choice, and your ability to learn and grow. I believe in you.

The intention of my blog is to stay connected and inspired as life-long learners, with a flow of information and ideas both ways: from us to you and from you to us.

This is actually ‘Take 2′ of my first blog entry. I was so nervous, when I finished I was drenched with sweat. I love the content, and think it’s perfect for beginning the new year inspired and clear. Here we go!

I want to pose a question: What if your real job is to live an extraordinary life?
I will say that again…

What if your real job is to live an extraordinary life?

Open the doors of your heart and mind to this question, ask yourself… What if my real job is to live an extraordinary life? While you are being with that thought, I want to share one of my favorite poems by Mary Oliver.

What if your real job is to live an extraordinary life…?
Not to fulfill your parents expectations.
Not to prove anything to anyone.
Not to think small and play it safe.
Not to get a college degree or degrees.
Not to get a well paying job that withers your soul so you can pay the bills.
Not to hold yourself responsible for everyone else’s well-being.
Not to miss your children growing up because you are at work.
Not to be so exhausted because you say YES when you want to say NO!
Not to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.
What if your real job is to live an extraordinary life…?

Have you ever noticed that so many people seem to be sleep-walking through life, doing the same patterns of behavior everyday, and then wondering why they are bored and unhappy, perhaps waiting for something to happen so things will change? Have you done that too?

I invite you to step out of any pattern NOW that says “I can do it later!”
We have no idea how long we will be here.

I believe the universe is always sending us information about what is working and what is not, and when we don’t listen or pay attention, the universe sends us louder messages, dramatic wakeup calls… accidents, illness, broken relationships, and mishaps, raising the intensity of the message to such a degree that we have to listen.
That is the hard way to change.

Yet, in those dramatic moments, we may begin to ask ourselves the questions we won’t listen to while we are sleep walking, going through the motions.

We may ask:
Am I living… fully?
Am I loving…? Who is going to miss me, who will I miss?
Do I matter? Is there a reason I am here?
Am I creating something I am proud of?
Does my life have meaning?
Do I feel fulfilled?

I think it is time to ask these questions NOW, because,
I am still here… you are still here.
The clock is ticking, we don’t know how much time we have here and there is no time like now to get going.

How would your life be different if you chose to believe My real job is to live an extraordinary life?

Take a moment to imagine…

I believe when each of us arrived in this life, we were given a job… it’s just that nobody told us. I believe that our job is to be a happy, healthy, vibrant human being making a contribution. If I had known that, I wouldn’t have doubted myself so much, and I would have made very different decisions along the way. How about you?

Let’s see what Random House Dictionary says about each of these pieces…

Happy

fortunate, effective, well- being, contentment, joyous… are you happy?

Healthy

soundness and vigor of the body and mind, freedom from disease or ailment… are you healthy?

Vibrant

pulsating with energy, resonant, passionate… are you vibrantly alive?

Contribute

to give in common with others, to play a significant part in bringing about a result… are you using your gifts and talents to create positive results for yourself and others?

Would you sign up for this job description? To be content and joyous, vigorous in body and mind, pulsating with passion and using your gifts a talents for the highest good!

I say, YES… Sign me up! This is the kind of job I really want to have.

Now is always the time to live an extraordinary life, no matter what the circumstances. No matter who is present.

Please remember Mary Oliver’s words…
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting–
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

What will you do right now… today… to step into the life you have always dreamed of living?

One step takes you from dreaming to reality.

Until next time, I ask you a very important question:

What if your real job is to live an extraordinary life?

]]> http://www.krisking.org/blog/2010/12/23/what-if-your-real-job-is-to-live-an-extraordinary-life/feed/ 5 http://www.krisking.org/blog/2010/12/08/signposts-and-signals/ http://www.krisking.org/blog/2010/12/08/signposts-and-signals/#comments Wed, 08 Dec 2010 12:21:04 +0000 kris http://www.krisking.org/blog/?p=766

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Your life is at stake…
the worst thing you could do
is live out someone else’s life
thinking it was your own.

- David Whyte

Have you ever wondered how you’ve gotten where you are? Scratched your head and asked yourself out loud, “How did this come to be?” It could be that something wonderful has just happened, or something not so wonderful, maybe even awful. Confusion, or the “fog,” settles in all about your brain and nothing seems to make any sense. Sound familiar? Me too!

It’s taken me years to learn some pretty simple lessons. And simple does not mean easy. The awareness is simple; taking action may be challenging.

One lesson is there are signposts and signals all along the way to guide us through life, whether we choose to be aware of them or not.

A signpost is a choice point, an X on the map, a time to decide yes or no to something we are being offered, an avenue to different opportunities, an opening to change. Many of us think of signposts as major events: should I get married, take the new job, move to a different city, have children, write a book? What I am learning is signposts are everywhere, and moment to moment we are surrounded by opportunities to interact with our world. It is the choices we make at simple signposts that direct the course of our lives and determine whether or not we live according to our deepest values.

How do we choose, consciously, unconsciously, or both? When we choose unconsciously, we are stuck in our repetitive patterns of thought, feeling, and behavior. Perhaps thinking, “This is just the way it is, always has been, always will be.” The outcome of this is what we call “stuck.” When we choose consciously, we pause, evaluate consequences and results, pros and cons, and if what we are evaluating is inside our ethics and values. One of the biggest considerations is whether it is something that fills our heart and soul. Vacillating between the two ways of choosing is confusing and frustrating.

A signal is a message your body gives you to tell you that you are at a signpost! That it is time to wake up and pay attention to what is right in front of you. For example, what messages does your body send you when you are thinking about breaking an agreement with someone you care about, or when you want something you know is not good for you, or you are telling a lie? When you are watching something on the news that completely goes against your principles? Perhaps a tightening of your gut, increased heart rate, perspiration, anxiety, shortness of breath. How does your body let you know you are at a choice point? These are signals your unconscious is sending you to be present now because “this is important.”

I used to bump into things all the time, break things, drop things, not get things finished on time, lose things, forget everything, run out of gas, get sick, have headaches…sound familiar? You have your own signal system that is “trying” to assist you to wake up and stay true to yourself, your values, and your greater good. Do you listen? And what happens when you don’t?

This is where the simplicity ends. No one can tell you what your signposts and signals are. You are the only one who knows and the only one who can choose the course of your life! And that is the good news!

This is not an appeal for all of us to get head-bound, trying to figure it all out; it is an appeal for us to listen to our signals and to choose at the signposts with respect for ourselves and the people we love. Imagine how different our world would be if each person was choosing with such attention and respect.

A signpost stands before us all. Do we want to live together on a peaceful, healthy planet, where different cultures and ways of living are valued, respected, acknowledged, and even learned from? How will you choose? Will you listen to and take action based on the signals your heart, mind, and spirit are sending you?

If that question is too ethereal for you, bring it closer to home. Will you listen to and take action in your closest relationships based on the signals your heart, mind, and spirit are sending you?

Reflections:
1. Identify important signposts in your childhood, young adulthood, and recently.

2. How did you choose at each one—consciously, unconsciously, or a bit of both? Did you create what you wanted?

3. How does you body let you know there is something to pay attention to? Do you listen?

4. What have you learned from your choices and consequences?

5. In what part of your life is it most difficult for you to see the signposts? What is the result?

I encourage you to share your responses to the reflection questions in the comments section.

With love and gratitude,
Kris King

]]> http://www.krisking.org/blog/2010/12/08/signposts-and-signals/feed/ 2 http://www.krisking.org/blog/2010/11/24/simple-gifts/ http://www.krisking.org/blog/2010/11/24/simple-gifts/#comments Wed, 24 Nov 2010 12:21:50 +0000 kris http://www.krisking.org/blog/?p=749

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The past is history.
The future is a mystery.
Today is a gift
That is why we call it the present.

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Do you believe in magic? I do.
Let’s pretend we have a magic wand! And when we wave it, all these simple gifts will be ours—every one of them! Things for us to share and treasure for a lifetime or for one exquisite moment.

• The gurgling laughter of a newborn child, radiantly trusting and eager, tiny fingers grasping yours without question
• Discovering that the book you are reading is so wonderful, you never want it to end
• The first whiff of wood smoke heralding the coming of fall
• The wag of a tail, a woof of welcome, a ball dropped at your feet…play with me
• Finding the perfect gift for a friend, something you know they will cherish
• The poetry of Kahlil Gibran, E. E. Cummings, Emily Dickinson, Hafiz, of life. Rich words that draw you deeper into the mystery.
• The vibrant hues of sundown, blazing across an evening sky…the dawn not far away
• A deep sigh of enjoyment and appreciation—a job well done
• The pull of the stars and planets as they gleam boldly in the heavens
• A hand outstretched to you, warm, welcoming, beckoning, just for you
• Heartfelt, belly-shaking laughter, contagious and inviting
• Tilling the soil and preparing it for planting, nurturing, and watching your garden grow
• Standing before the creation of a master in deep appreciation of their commitment and their
  courage to be seen
• Holding someone close to your heart, without words or expectation, reverent connection
• Beholding the miracle of a teardrop sliding down the cheek of a stranger or one you love
• Frost painting pictures on the windowpane, crystallized moments
• The creation of a wave folding and crashing its way to shore, its thunder filling the salty air
• Laugh lines at the corners of wise eyes—deep, clear, and irreverent
• Robust souls lifting their voices in song, telling part of life’s story
• Observing someone do a kindness for another and feeling your heart swell with tenderness
• The first tentative steps of a child, focused, wavering, succeeding
• The wind dancing and soaring, playing with autumns leaves, a whirlwind of color
• Eyes, beautiful eyes, gazing at the mystery that surrounds us, seeing more than the eye can see
• Family, community, sitting together, hands held in gratitude and reverence for the abundance of
  our lives and relationships
• Sharing a meal prepared with love, a glass of wine, and free-flowing conversation with friends
• Catching the eye of someone you love from across the room and smiling your secret smile
• The moment of recognition that all life is connected and divine and you are part of it all
• Feeling the surge of excitement and exhilaration that comes with taking a risk and succeeding

Simple gifts, simple treasures that cost nothing and yet fill our lives with magic. Are there more? Yes. The list is unending and begins the moment you wake up each morning.

Reflections:
1. What things would you add to your list of simple gifts?

2. Are these things you enjoy alone or with others? When is your experience most intense?

3. How do “simple things” enrich your experience of life?

4. When your expectations are not met, what do you do?

I encourage you to share your responses to the reflection questions in the comments section.

With love and gratitude,
Kris King

]]> http://www.krisking.org/blog/2010/11/24/simple-gifts/feed/ 5 http://www.krisking.org/blog/2010/10/29/the-incredible-lightness-of-being/ http://www.krisking.org/blog/2010/10/29/the-incredible-lightness-of-being/#comments Fri, 29 Oct 2010 12:26:09 +0000 kris http://www.krisking.org/blog/?p=728

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Hi! I am Kris King and I’d like to welcome you to my blog. Last evening here at WINGS we did a Special Evening, and the title of it was “The Incredible Lightness of Being.” We had such a good time, that I really wanted to share with you the things that we did last night.

One of the ways I’d like you to start is to check in and find out what’s true for you right now. If you feel comfortable, I encourage you to close your eyes for a moment. When I ask you questions, just listen to what happens inside of you, especially your first answer, to see if it’s true for you. If you don’t feel comfortable with that, that’s alright. But it’s better with your eyes closed.

So close your eyes, take a nice deep breath. Remember to listen to your first answer.

Are you having as much fun as you want?
Are you easy to laughter and light-heartedness?
Do you laugh at your own mistakes and really mean it?
Are those lines subtly forming on your face from smiling and laughing out  loud?
Do you wake up eager to begin your day… anticipating what is awaiting you in that day?
Do you enjoy the simple things in life… every day?
Do you feel happy seeing others smile, enjoying themselves?
Do you talk with others about how happy you are?

And

Are you feeling the incredible lightness of being right now?

So, just noticing your answers, and taking a nice deep breath.

If you had more no’s than yes’s… you are in the right place, because we’re going to explore how to get more yes’s in your life.
If you had more yes’s than no’s, I want you to write to me and tell me how you do it.

One of my favorite quotes that helps me remember “What is this incredible lightness of being?” is by Oscar Wilde, and it goes

“Life is too important to be taken seriously.”

Now, does that kind of give you pause? The first time I read it and went “What is he talking about?”

And then I got it.

If you look at the word “serious” in Miriam Webster’s Dictionary, it’s synonyms are things like: grave, solemn, sedate, staid, sober, earnest, not light, utterly free of levity, prim self-restraint, and concerned.

Now, when you hear that sequence of words, do you feel a great lightness of being, ready to go out and set the world on fire? I don’t think so. When I hear those words, I have a sense of tightness, of not much breath, of being really fearful about what’s going on in my world. Life is too important to be taken seriously from a tight, restrained, contained state of being.

What I think Oscar Wilde did not mean:
It’s time to be an air head, without goals, vision or purpose.
It’s time to be uncaring or selfish.
It’s time to disengage from your responsibilities.
It’s time to just do what you want, not paying attention to the impact you have on others or our world.
It’s time to pretend everything is wonderful when it is not.

What I think he did mean:
That life is so precious that we live it fully and passionately.
That it is time to be heart centered.
That it is time to be relaxed, resourceful, and present.
That it is time to be creative and open to the mystery of life.
That it is time to be self-aware, accountable for ourselves, open to feedback.
That it is time to focus on what is instead of what isn’t.
That is is time be thankful, to share your gifts with others, being in service.

I want to share with you a recent event in my life that was pretty shocking. And yet, by using these seven principles, it turned into delight. I journey to Bhutan. I’ve been there seven times. It’s one of my favorite countries in the world – imagine having a theme of the country be Gross National Happiness instead of Gross National Product!

Ten days before the trip I get a phone call from my travel agent, Doug, and he said “I have some bad news.” He paused, and my heart started beating, and then he said “I have some really bad news.” My heart rate went up even more.

I took a nice deep breath, and I said “Okay. Tell me.”

He said “You have no tickets from Bangkok into Paro, Bhutan, or from Paro back out to Bangkok on Drukair.

Drukair is the national airline, it’s the only planes that go in and out of the country. It’s high season, it’s festival week, and I think “Hmm…. I’m going on this trip.” I said to Doug “We can handle this,” and he thanked me for my trust.

It took five days of back and forth between Bangkok and Eugene, Oregon to get our planes in. We’d get there a day later, we’d leave two days early. We lost three days in Bhutan.

The whole time I was interacting with Doug, we were doing this: we were being open, we were being curious, we were being resourceful and totally accountable. At the five day mark, I talked to my guides in Bhutan. I told them what had happened: we were going to lose three days in Bhutan. A five day trek, where he had hired guides and cooks and animals. I felt really, really scared to tell him that, that there was no way that it could work. When I told him what had happened, he just stopped and breathed. He said “We can handle that.” And we did.

When I got off the plane in Paro, we were late. However, we both started laughing with each other, and made a commitment: We are going to make this the best trip we have ever taken. And it was.

Life is too important to be taken seriously is a theme in my life. When I contract and get fearful, I don’t think clearly. When I am relaxed and get curious, the world opens… opens wide and bright… and beautiful.

So, the incredible lightness of being is the result of taking life with joy, curiosity and love.

With love and gratitude,

Kris King

]]> http://www.krisking.org/blog/2010/10/29/the-incredible-lightness-of-being/feed/ 6 http://www.krisking.org/blog/2010/10/06/time-to-reflect/ http://www.krisking.org/blog/2010/10/06/time-to-reflect/#comments Wed, 06 Oct 2010 12:00:42 +0000 kris http://www.krisking.org/blog/?p=718

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“I’ll tell you what I think,” said Wiggin. “I think you don’t grow up until you stop worrying about other people’s purposes or lack of them and find the purposes you believe in for yourself.”

- Orson Scott Card, Xenocide

I just returned from a few days of vacation up in the San Juan Islands at Friday Harbor, Washington. I went to visit my mom and dad by seaplane from Seattle, which stirred old memories of flying as a child with my dad in his Piper Cub through the Florida Keys! If you ever want to discover the beauty of the San Juans from a different perspective, I highly recommend flying in a seaplane (they supply the earplugs!).

Looking out the window, 75–150 feet above the water, I saw many things in a different light, elevated. Above the trees instead of in them, above the coastline instead of walking it, looking down and seeing the geological patterns of rock and earth, the clusters of homes, the wake of a ferry bringing vacationers to play and explore. Patterns of life revealed.

My whole time away was like that, taking time to look at things from a different perspective. Spending time with my mom and dad without the responsibilities of being wife, mother, teacher, or business owner—just being me—was exquisite. We had time to be together in a way that words cannot express. Yes, my parents are growing older, as am I, and to spend time appreciating each other, both quietly and boisterously, filled a space that had been waiting to be filled for all of us. To share dinner conversation with their friends and to listen to their concerns for our country, our children, and our future opened more new perspectives.

As I listened, watched, and interacted with my folks and their friends, I became aware of a new sensation in my body that I had never felt before with my folks. I was relaxed and peaceful…nothing to prove. My goodness, I felt like an adult, an equal in the presence of my parents! I was giddy with the awareness.

Another realization quickly followed. In my desire to prove my worth to my parents (and anyone else who happened to be around), I had narrowed my focus to things I could intellectually prove were right. Ouch, self-righteousness!
Have you ever gotten so involved in your own way of thinking, feeling, and acting that you forgot there are many other ways of doing things? When I forget to listen and open my eyes, my world narrows instantly. My task, way of doings things, way of feeling, etc., seems like the only way. I defend, justify, and explain, and I distance myself from those I care most about.

When we took my parents’ boat out of Mitchell Bay and into the sound to fish and check the crab pots, I held these two discoveries in my mind. I stood at the stern of the boat silently watching everything, breathing in the pure air. Finally, my eyes settled on the wake of the boat. There is an old saying that every moment holds the stuff of enlightenment. The wake reminded me of the wake each of us creates as we move through this world, our impact. Looking at the wake set into motion a whole series of questions I asked myself while I relaxed and spent time looking at clouds.

What kind of a wake do I create?
Do I take the time to notice how my behavior affects those around me?
When I am out in the world, do I value the people who have different points of view?
Do I invite new information and learning?
How wide open is my perspective, my heart, and my attention to the wake I create?

After being with these questions for the remainder of my visit, I made three deep commitments to myself:

1. To use my personal power authentically, maintaining my sense of equality with my parents.
2. To be curious and open-minded, accepting myself instead of proving myself.
3. To give myself the precious time to reflect, for in those moments I find truer ways of being my simple self.

No matter how full our lives are, we all deserve quiet time to reflect, to quietly try on new perspectives and notice if they fit, to expand our worldview and invite learning.

Reflections:
1. How often do you give yourself the gift of a true time-out? Nothing to do except be with yourself?

2. What are the questions you would ask yourself if you gave yourself the gift of time to reflect?

3. What are the questions you resist asking yourself? Why?

I encourage you to share your responses to the reflection questions in the comments section.

With love and gratitude,
Kris King

]]> http://www.krisking.org/blog/2010/10/06/time-to-reflect/feed/ 4 http://www.krisking.org/blog/2010/09/22/a-pebble-or-a-gem/ http://www.krisking.org/blog/2010/09/22/a-pebble-or-a-gem/#comments Wed, 22 Sep 2010 13:23:04 +0000 kris http://www.krisking.org/blog/?p=701

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Put your heart, mind and soul into even your smallest acts.
This is the secret of success.

- Swami Sivananda

Has this ever happened to you?

You are reading along, agreeing with the material, finding it fairly interesting, and then your perspectives about things start to expand, your curiosity is piqued, and you become fully engaged with what you are reading. Then all of a sudden a phrase literally jumps off the page at you! Larger than life and much larger than any bold print, because the sentence is almost like a collision—thoughts, perspectives, feelings, insights, and understanding coming together all at once. The pieces of a puzzle fall into place (you might not have even known you were missing a piece!), and you have a profound sense of clarity, a lightness of being, an expansion of your consciousness. In that moment everything changed.

Aren’t we incredible! Seemingly unrelated information and events coming together, creating insight and the potential for simple and profound courses of action that can add great meaning and experience to our lives. These times are truly times to savor and to be thankful for. A child might clap their hands and burst out laughing, or be wondrously silent, gazing off into the unseen distance. An adult may exclaim “Eureka!” and run off to find someone to share the new insight with or grab their journal and write it all down to make sure they remember every single aspect.

Have you ever had this fantastic experience and wanted to instantly share it with someone? So you race to find that special person. They read it, look at you quizzically, and say, “What are you so excited about?” To you, this information is a precious gem, crystalline and pure, penetrating directly to personal clarity. To your friend, it looks like one of millions of pebbles on the beach, interchangeable, nondescript, a mere shoulder shrug! How odd. When that happens, how do you feel? Deflated in some way, perhaps even a loss of enthusiasm.

Remember Illusions, a great book about consciousness, by Richard Bach? I agree with Don Shimoda, the enlightened barnstormer, when he says, “You can do it with any book…if you read carefully enough…hold some problem in your mind, then open any book handy and see what it tells you.” We are surrounded by helpful information in so many forms: music, literature, science, art, films, mathematics, silence, nature. All we need to be is open to it.

So it is no wonder our answers, our gems, are someone else’s pebbles. They are involved with their lives and finding their own gems, solutions to their own puzzles. What I would encourage you to do the next time someone you care about comes to you with their new insight is to look for the gem instead of finding the pebble. Be curious and supportive and watch them light up!

Sometimes there are gems so elegant and precise they touch many deeply.

I would like to share a gem with you that stunned me in its simplicity and power and has become a touchstone in my life.

“Given the situation, the event, the circumstances…how do I be the very best me possible?”

A pebble or a gem, it’s up to you.

Reflections:
1. Have you ever had an important realization, wanted to share it, and had some- one not “get it”? What was the realization(s)?

2. How did you feel about yourself in that moment when they didn’t “get it,” and how did you feel about them?

3. What does it take for you to hold your own excitement even when others do not agree? How do you do it?

I encourage you to share your responses to the reflection questions in the comments section.

With love and gratitude,
Kris King

]]> http://www.krisking.org/blog/2010/09/22/a-pebble-or-a-gem/feed/ 3 http://www.krisking.org/blog/2010/08/10/thanks-mom-and-dad/ http://www.krisking.org/blog/2010/08/10/thanks-mom-and-dad/#comments Tue, 10 Aug 2010 12:25:35 +0000 kris http://www.krisking.org/blog/?p=671

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The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.

- Joseph Campbell

Looking out the window at the beginning of spring, the cycles of the year gently progressing, my childhood pops brightly into my thoughts. I had a great time being a kid, and I had a lousy time being a kid. What I am coming to realize is that the lousy times helped me grow up and become a strong person (back then it just felt hard!).

My mom, Rae, was born in a log cabin in Range, Oregon, a place that no longer exists. Her parents, Mabel and Lou Case, were of pioneer stock; their parents crossed the plains in covered wagons. My dad, Arnold, was born in Tacoma, Washington, to Inga and Olaf Anderson, who both came here as teenagers from Norway. All of them were seeking a better way of living freer, more self-directed and creative. They all faced and lived up to hard times, the moments of laughter and love seeing them through.

My mom went off to Whitman College when she was sixteen and was a Phi Beta Kappa by the time she was nineteen. She was a high school chemistry teacher by the time she was twenty! My dad put himself through Pacific Lutheran and became a teacher of music and geography. Education was a pivotal focus in their lives. They were both teaching in East Stanwood when they met, fell in love, got married, and had to pretend that they were not (back then you couldn’t be a married woman and be a teacher).

Then my dad learned to fly! World War II was raging in Europe, and my dad started taking flying lessons in a Piper Cub. He was so good he became a flight instructor. Then he was hired as a pilot for Pan American World Airways, and their world changed dramatically. No more thoughts of living in the Northwest and teaching together as life goals. They too became pioneers, much like their parents and their parents’ parents before them.

My world growing up revolved around my dad’s schedule. There were certain things we only did when he was home, like taking the boat out for fishing and picnics, or going to New York City to see the Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall. While my dad was gone, my mom did everything for us, and I saw all her strengths and competencies as well as her love.

What’s this story about? I guess I am realizing that what mom and dad gave me was something bigger than a safe and comfortable home, love, discipline, and opportunities to learn. By their actions, their way of living each day, they taught me that I could make my life be any way I wanted it to be.

They gave me the two things I needed most to make the choices that brought me to this spring day.

There are only two lasting bequests
we can hope to give our children.
One of these is roots,
the other, wings.
—Hodding Carter Jr.

It has taken a while, and many exhilarating, heartbreaking, and sometimes puzzling detours. Thanks to you and all you have given me, my life is immensely rich, rewarding, and filled with adventures, loving people, fulfilling work, and the faith to take risks.

Thank you for being my mom and dad.

Reflections
1. What do you know about your parents’ origins and histories? Write it down.

2. What do you admire and respect about each parent? When you focus on these aspects, how do you feel?

3. What judgments do you have of each parent? When you focus on these as- pects, how do you feel?

4. When you look back at your time with your parents, what are you grateful for?

I encourage you to share your responses to the reflection questions in the comments section.

With love and gratitude,
Kris King

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Merry Mattie
in a sack,
his eyes light up,
his arms go back.
Pixy laughter, sheer delight.
Adorable cherub…
good night, good night.

- Ruby Groom
Matt’s great-aunt

September 1987

Today is the first day of September, not very fall-like at all—the temperature is soaring. School starts next week, notebooks and glue are in short supply, and the awareness of changing seasons surrounds us. This is a time of reflection for me…memories of all the other times that school started since I became a mother twenty-two years ago. There is something very poignant about this year for me. It has been a little over a year since my son, Matthew, died, and it has been just a week since I saw my son, Mark, off for his first year of college at Duke University. Somewhere inside of me these two occurrences have collided, overlapping snapshots blurring my vision.

Thinking I was mostly healed after Matt’s death, this collision and the new feelings I have stunned me. “How long does it take to heal?” I ask myself over and over. I know Mark is starting on a great adventure and setting a course for his own life, and that delights me. Yet lurking somewhere is this fear, this “no name” fear. I am even afraid to say it. Will saying it make it true? “Will I lose Mark too?”

I find myself staring out windows, gazing into the distance, not really knowing what I am looking for. If I look far enough, what will I see? Perhaps the ending of an intricate and loving pattern of personalities and moments, of good times and bad. Maybe there is something new on the horizon that I want to identify. Whatever it is, it is not clear yet. So I keep on gazing, listening to all the sounds of my being. My heart says, “The healing isn’t done yet. Give yourself some more time. Patience.”

I know I am in the process of designing a new way of being that fits. Do you ever try to hold on to the illusion that everything is just the same as it was, long after it has changed? This year I have learned that the longer I hold on to the illusion, the longer the healing takes, like reopening a wound over and over. If I try to keep Matthew alive all day in my thoughts, somehow he always dies at night and I go through all the pain again. If I try to keep Mark safe forever, he’ll never realize his dreams.

One night as I lay looking at the stars and constellations brilliant overhead, I asked them for help. “Let me love Matthew as deeply as ever and let him go so I can heal.” In the morning, I awoke realizing I only see the stars in the darkness. The stars are there always, moving through time with us, surrounding us with their beauty and light and mystery. It takes the darkness to see their light. This majestic transformation I witness daily lets me know I am surrounded by love even when I don’t see it. Matt is like the stars.

And I realize now, it is not Matt that I want to release. He is a part of my life forever. It is my pain I choose to release.

How long does it take to heal? Perhaps it is time to let go of the question. Thank you for moving through time with me. Even when I don’t see you, I know you are there. Just like the stars.

Reflections
1. Who have you loved and lost, to death or the end of a relationship?

2. How did this ending affect you?

3. How long did it take you to heal? Have you?

4. Who are your best role models for telling the truth? What is it you most admire about them?

I encourage you to share your responses to the reflection questions in the comments section.

With love and gratitude,
Kris King

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